Before you go #19: Treat women well

 Dear Sam,

This letter will be a bit of a companion piece to the last one, and it is a commentary on the darker side of the relationship between a mother and a son or, more broadly, a man and a woman.  How I wish it were all delight and joy, but that just isn’t the world we live in, is it?  Neither of us are perfect, so things aren’t always sunshine and beer.  (I know the phrase is sunshine and roses, but I think both of us prefer beer to roses). 

For some reason, there is a phrase from the movie Titanic that always sticks with me.  I can’t remember whether it occurs at the beginning or end or somewhere in between, but at some point the aged Rose looks at the Titanic researchers and with a glint in her rheumy eyes, declares, “A woman’s heart is a deep ocean of secrets.”  I don’t know what it is that is so compelling to me about that phrase, but I always remember it.

Your dad and I have been married for 21 years.  As we are both well aware, he is an exciting and energetic man who is loyal, hard working, and tons of fun.  He is also a bit blunt and never particularly gentle.  Perhaps more than anyone else in the family, you and I bear the brunt of his frequent explosions of (admittedly short lived) anger.  This wears very hard on a woman’s heart.

Over the last few years, I have been exploring sexism and feminism with a little more interest.  The whole world has gone on a pretty aggressive DEI (diversity, equity, and inclusion) kick, so I’ve been swept into more training and reading through my job than I might have pursued on my own.  It has not been an easy journey.  I have always been a bit uneasy around feminism as I am entirely uncomfortable and deeply misaligned with their emphasis on abortion as the rallying cry of the cause.  Motherhood has been the most powerful influence on my life, and to separate my feminine power from my ability to give birth, and the enormous physical and emotional connection I share with my children is not a cause I can support.  However, it has opened my eyes to some of the casual (and sometimes not so casual) and deeply ingrained sexism inherent in the world we live in.

But I don’t intend to digress too deeply into the political here.  Instead, what I want to instill in you is that a woman’s love, other than mine (which is your birthright and cannot be lost), is not your right.  It is quite possibly one of the most beautiful gifts available to human beings this side of heaven.  There are religious scholars who argue that women were created for the very purpose of love itself, which is a very noble calling indeed.  I believe so much of what is wrong with our world as a whole is because we have historically and systematically both taken this gift for granted and squandered its potential for transforming societies and systems.  This happens at the highest levels, where women are consistently barred from full and equal leadership, and within homes where women’s gifts and contributions, and at times their very love itself, are abused, taken for granted, and underappreciated.  I want to think that I have raised a son who recognizes this and will be a true friend, advocate, and lover of women.

I do not mean this in any sexual sense (I PROMISE I will not go there).  I just mean that women deserve your love and respect at all times and in all ways.  I have become uncomfortably aware in recent years of how dismissive and downright disrespectful men can be of women—both in the world at large and inside their own homes.  Any google search will unearth scores of studies and testimonials where women are interrupted more, promoted less, judged more harshly, excluded regularly and so on.  Many men who have been bullied into professionally thinking twice before interrupting a female colleague, don’t hesitate to talk down to and disrespect their wives, sisters, and daughters inside their own homes.  Sam, don’t be that guy.  Pay attention, and truly love the women in your life.  We are all made for that, and while we can’t help but despise that part of us at times, we can’t help it.

Obviously, it goes without saying that by becoming a champion of women, you would never knowingly hurt a woman or take something from her that she is not wholeheartedly and enthusiastically willing to give.  The world is a hard, dangerous, confusing place, and relationships for men and women in your age group are notoriously confusing.  Be kind, be cautious, and be sure.  Always.

You and I both know that you can be extremely hard on me at times.  Some of this is your age (you are one of 4 teenagers I’ve had live under my roof at this point), but some of it, I think we would both have to admit, is your gender.  We live in a sexist world, it is hard not to internalize some of that over the years.  As author Glennon Doyle puts it, we are like fish swimming in poison water.  We can’t help but ingest some of it over our lifetimes.  We can try our hardest to put filters and purifiers inside our own homes, but we’ve all breathed the poison our whole lives.  We don’t even know what it feels like without it.

I recently heard a podcaster put it like this, “Men need to be respected, women need to be cherished.”  That rang true for me, though some of my more strident feminist friends may balk at that description.  I want to be respected, too, but if I have to choose a priority, especially in my own home, I want to be cherished. 

So, before you go, treat the women in your life well.  Cherish them, respect them, and love them.  Be the good man I have raised you to be.